A man was walking along a Florida beach, and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah blah blah! This is the 4th time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while, and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that!How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they REALLY want, when they say nothing'.. know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

Conversation

What the woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,
I mean it. You and I
need to clean up your stuff lying on the floor,
or you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"


What the man hears:

Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Adam & Eve

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me?" God said,"An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.

Excuses, Excuses...

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

The Princess and the Frog

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

The Animal Kingdom

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They’re totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They’re moody. They leave their hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food being opened half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they’re not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats

The Nervous Bride

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"

Women Facts Q & A...

Q) Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A) Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q) Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A) So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q) How do you fix a woman's watch?
A) You don't... there's a clock on the oven.

Q) Why do men pass gas more than women?
A) Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A) The dog... he'll shut up after you let him in!

Q) How many men does it take to open a beer?
A) None. It should be open when she brings it.

Q) What's worse than a male chauvanist pig?
A) A woman who won't do what she's told!