LITTLE JOHNNY II
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

LITTLE JOHNNY III
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

LITTLE JOHNNY IV
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

LITTLE JOHNNY V
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game with suzie again!"

LITTLE JOHNNY VI
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

LITTLE JOHNNY VIII
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

LITTLE JOHNNY IX
Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build that house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon. "Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks. "I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies. Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?" "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up." Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!" Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today." "All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door." "Why don't you tell me," Dad asks. "Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the damn thing up". Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard." Johnny looks at his dad and says, "screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

LITTLE JOHNNY X
Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. "What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're dancing." replies his mother. "What's daddy doing?" "He's my partner, now run along." A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. "What are you doing?" "Ummm, dancing." "What's your boyfriend doing?" "He's my partner, now get out of here!" Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather beating his meat. "What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks. "Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather. "Well, where is your partner?" His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long as I have, you don't need a partner."

LITTLE JOHNNY XI
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"

LITTLE JOHNNY XII
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!

LITTLE JOHNNY XIII
One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher. In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Johnny standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep. She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button...and she said "NO". "But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps." So the teacher says " okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do." and a few minutes later the teacher says "OH...that not my bellybutton." And Johhny says, "thats not my finger."

LITTLE JOHNNY XIV
There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks to the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board! She truns to the class and simply asked the class, "Class, does any one know what that is?" The class sits silently for a second or two than little johnny stands from the back! He yells, "I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two! The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushes the babysitters teeth with!"

LITTLE JOHNNY XV
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...." The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me." "Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob."

LITTLE JOHHNY XVI
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father as at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?" Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower." The Salesman asked if his mother was at home. Little Johnny: "Yes." The Salesman: "Well can I see her?" Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.." The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?" Little Johnny: "No." The salesman asked why. Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

LITTLE JOHHNY XVII
So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

LITTLE JOHHNY XVIII
Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher was asking questions. The teacher said, "I have something in this bag. It's a fruit, crunchy and red. What is it?" Little Johnny piped up and said, "that's easy, it is an apple." "Very good," the teacher said. Little Johnny was not done yet. "Teacher, now I have a question for you. I have something in my pocket that's round and hard, and has a head on one end." "Go to the office now!" the teacher screamed, because she knew what a dirty mind Johnny had. Little Johnny said, "it's only a quarter, but I really like your thinking."

LITTLE JOHHNY XIX
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said:

"RADAR TRAP AHEAD"

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice,... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading:

"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet........... full of change.