A homeless wino passes out in the street next to a gay bar. That night one of the bar's patrons leaves the bar and sees the wino asleep on the street. He rolls the wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up, finds the $10, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and asks the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle, the wino leaves and resumes his position on the street. That night the same man leaves the gay bar, only to find the wino passed out on the street again. He rolls the wino over, has his way with him and slips a $10 bill in his pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up, finds the $10, and heads for the local liquor store. He goes inside and asks the clerk "Give me $10 worth of your cheapest wine." The clerk hands him a bottle, the wino leaves and resumes his position on the street. That night the man and 3 of his friends leave the gay bar. They see the wino and decide to share. They take turns rolling the wino over and having their way with him. Each of them leaves a $10 bill in the wino's pocket. In the morning the wino wakes up sees the $40 and heads to the liquor store. The clerk says "Let me guess, $40 of our cheapest wine?" "No" said the wino, "Give me whiskey. That wine is tearing my ass up."

Stupidity Sightings

Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):
Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

Parrot

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire you don't need no water let.....(you know the rest)!"

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire... (you know the rest)".

She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No you don't say that here!!" the parrot looked around and asked, "Why not, these are the same muthaf***s that were in the club last night!!"

Another Parrot

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost. The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,"New house, new madam, new whores. same old faces. Hi Ray."

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

A few years ago Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang made a
new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special
entitled, "Why Me, Charlie Brown?"

Recently MetLife put out a series of instructional pamphlets
which feature the gang dealing with contemporary issues.

We learn about VD in:
"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
"I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Is Linus gay?
"ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:
"OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
"NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Discover a father's forbidden love in:
"IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN"

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:
"GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
"ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
"WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
"GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:
"WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in:
"WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN"

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

Charm School
Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck', I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice'."

The Maid

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"

A Year to Live

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

He decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."