An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow,green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Runt

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Frog Caddie

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Proper Pronunciation

An American was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

One From Column A

A Chinese couple are in bed and they start to get amorous.

The man turns to his wife and asks, "How about a little 69?"

She replies incredulously, "NOW YOU WANT BEEF AND BROCCOLI!!!"

True Story

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.

Daily Mud Bath

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not.... But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side."Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A first grade class came in from recess.

The teacher asked Sarah, "What did you do at recess?" Sarah said, "I played in the sand box." The teacher said "That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write "sand" correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie. Sarah wrote "sand" and got a cookie.

The teaacher asked Morris, "What did you do at recess?" Morris said, "I played in the sand box with Sarah." The teacher said, "That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write "box" correctly I'll give you a fresh baked cookie. Morris wrote "box' and got a cookie.

The teacher asked Leroy Brown; "What did you do at recess?" Leroy said, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris but they called me a nigger and told me to go away."

The teacher said, "That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write "blatant racial discrimination" I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"